KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
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No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning