[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
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“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006