People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
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[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.