When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
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Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Every work call, he judges.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”