I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
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People buying plungers never look happy.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
was Jim off killing horses or…
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.