to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
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I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.