Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
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I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby