me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
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me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that