When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
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To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
“i am a sweet baby”
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”