It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
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They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Real House Wines.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
the dark web is just a goth google.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.