Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
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There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.