APOLOGISE NOW!!!
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.