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“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.