Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
You Might Also Like
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”