6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
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Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.