My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
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her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!