I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
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Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Respect