getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
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This took me a second..
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
I wish all tests were things you peed on