Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
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Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!