HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
You Might Also Like
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Cat is stressing him out.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.