My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
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I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Hank is one in a melon.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍