My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
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me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?