I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
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me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*