If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
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People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine