Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
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damn he’s good
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday