“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
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Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..