Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
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If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*