Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
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Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
when you don’t want to be too vague
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes