Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
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[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.