If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
You Might Also Like
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now