“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
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Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”