6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
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Patient: I鈥檓 going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are鈥re you high right now?
God: you鈥檙e a penguin.
Penguin: actually I鈥檓 a spy.
God: uh no you aren鈥檛.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that鈥檚 just what you look like.
Penguin: that鈥檚 exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn鈥檛 that right…00Heaven.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven鈥檛 been making enough effort eating.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 馃槶馃拃
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Men鈥檚 underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Me: Accept your flaws. You鈥檒l feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”