BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
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A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore