Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
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Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
How dramatic are you?
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick