falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
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Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
He’s cranky this morning
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?