wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
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My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
who will stop them
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car