Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
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2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
my first dose meeting my second
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]