4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
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I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.