guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
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good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.