Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
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fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away