WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
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list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what