Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
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They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
New Tinder profile.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
This has made my week.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.