I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
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Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?