Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
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Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.