when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.