*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
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Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy