“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
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nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.