Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
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HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.