living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
You Might Also Like
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.