I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
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Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Squirrels before girls.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell